


Kerry Jyle the Musical

by WarnerHedgehog



Category: Jeremy Kyle - Fandom, Original - Fandom
Genre: Chavs, Gen, Musical, Parody, talk show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-11-17 09:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11272422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: A parody of Mr Jeremy Kyle's daytime talk show, written in script-ish form.Apologies to Jeremy, his show and all its guests.Thank you to Zero magazine: I stole something from your marvellous production.This is now complete!





	1. Part one: The Lie Detector

**Author's Note:**

> **Cast**  
>  Kerry Jyle  
> Dark haired, sharply dressed woman in her late 30s. Shouts at her guests to keep control or to wind them up, depending on the director’s whims.
> 
> Bernie the cameraman  
> Put upon workhorse of the Kerry Jyle show. Has opinions but is never allowed to air them.
> 
> Mike Rowfone  
> Soundman. In the same position as Bernie
> 
> Baz Large  
> Security bloke who is on hand to separate confrontational people.
> 
> Gaz Alsolarge  
> Another security bloke.
> 
> Peter Doofus  
> Slightly camp producer who always wants things to be bigger and better. Would love to work in Hollywood but is stuck in a backwater TV studio. Not happy about this.
> 
> Dr Tawny Scops  
> Resident Expert on lots of things. There to provide aid, information and counselling.
> 
>  
> 
> Lie Detector  
> Gary Fishface  
> Dope smoking gawky-looking man in his early 20s. Sleeps around and denies it. Wears a baseball cap – backwards, as well as a shiny tracksuit.
> 
> Sandy FishFace  
> His not very long suffering wife. Wears far too much pink. She phoned the show and wants Gary to do a lie detector
> 
> Sheila Stirrer  
> Sandy’s long-time mate. She doesn’t like Gary one bit. Convinced he’s been sleeping around.

Scene:  
**Set-up as per Jeremy Kyle. Centre of stage has 2 or 3 seats with a screen behind. People can walk on from either side. There’s a central TV bit on the screen so various images can be shown. The Kerry Jyle show title is on the screen in big letters. Either side of the stage is a “Backstage” area where the prospective guests wait to be sent onto the show.  
A few seats in the audience contain some of the “friends and family” of the guests on the show. **

****

****

**Opening theme. Kerry is stood in the middle of the stage. Bernie does a dramatic camera pan and goes toward Kerry.**

Kerry  
**Talking to the camera**  
Hello and welcome to the Kerry Jyle show. We have some dramatic stories for you today ladies and gentlemen. First up is Sandy. Sandy has been hearing lots of rumours and wants to know if her other half has been sleeping around, so she’s asked for him to take on a lie detector. A big welcome for Sandy everybody.

**Sandy walks on from the right and sits in the nearest chair. Shuffles a bit to get comfy.**

Now Sandy, you met and fell in love with Gary at singles night in Bertie's Lard and Pie shop in downtown Ventnor and after dating for 6 months you got engaged and eventually you tied the knot. Shortly after you got married you started hearing rumours that he’s been seen with other women. Your friend Sheila who we’ll bring on a bit later says she has also been hearing these tales, but it's your side of this sordid story I want to hear first.

Sandy  
**Band starts up.**

Well Kerry it started a little while ago  
My mate Sheila said your boy’s a bit of a ho.  
He’s been messing about and doing some skanky stuff  
And slept with half of the town, of Bournemouth

I don’t know what to do  
He says it isn’t true  
He thinks He’s always right  
And that Sheila is a fool

You know If he fails this he's going down  
I'll kill him if he's been screwing around  
If it turns out that he's been being a nonce  
I'll smack him with my fist and break his stupid bonce. 

This has me so confused  
I don't want to be used  
If he's been a lying git  
He's gonna get himself kicked

Kerry  
So basically you want him to man up, take the lie detector and prove he's not the shameless sex fiend that pretty much everybody says he is.

Sandy  
Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Kerry.  
Well, now we're going to sort out the truth – Gary’s on the Kerry Jyle show.  
**Gary walks on from the left side of the stage. He gets a few boos from the audience. He glowers at Sandy, turns to the audience and puts on a defiant smirk as he flops down.**  
Well? Got anything to say for yourself?

Gary  
Yeah. I do as it ‘appens. It’s all feckin’ lies! ‘Er mate Sheila’s never liked me and wants to break us up. Its a big conspirity by Shiela and her coven to get rid of me

Kerry  
Mind your language mister, this is a dysfunctional family show.

Gary  
Sorry.

Sandy  
Of course Sheila doesn't like you, you keep trying to chat her up when you're all drunk. 

Gary  
Well I wouldn't chat that horse-faced cow up when I'm sober would I? You'd need a pint or two and a bag over her head to just talk to her to be honest. Ugly witch.

Sandy  
Gary Fishface you nasty foul-mouthed prick, how can you sit there and casually call my best friend a 'horse faced cow'?

**Gary shrugs then smirks.**  
Gary  
Very easily as it happens, 'cause she is.

Kerry  
Will you two keep the swearing down? We'll never get this past the censors at this rate. Looks like she's now got even more reason to dislike you now Gary, talking about her like that.

Gary  
She bloody loves me really. Just plays hard to get, you know how it is dontcha darlin'? **Gary winks at Kerry. She rolls her eyes in disgust.**

Kerry  
We can find out if that’s true, Sheila’s on the show everybody  
**Sheila storms out and instantly makes toward Gary with purpose, pointing at him and being aggressive. Security are out like a shot.**

Sheila  
Gary Fishface you hippocritical moron, how can you call me ugly when you've got two teeth an' a face like an elephant's arse? You'd shag a llama if you thought you could get away with it. I know you've tried it on with Mary an' Denise an' Sheronda, an' you snogged Kathy the other day, and don't tell me you didn't as there's at least seven people that saw you. 'Ow can you sit there like a badly constructed Muppet and lie through your stupid malformed mush like that? Go on you massive self centred nob, tell me. 

Kerry  
Look love, this is MY show. It’s MY name on the board there. Like I told them two, mind your chipping language and be more civil please. Now if you'd be so kind, can you sit down and tell us your angle on this. Calmly if you can please cause I don't want to get a headache. If you can't do that then you can do one. **Sheila sits down** Better. 

Shelia  
Well Kerry, it’s like this:  
Gary here is a bit of a dodgy guy  
He thinks he can do stuff on the sly  
When he is alone with a girl  
He'll do his best to give 'em a twirl

I don't know if I can take his crap  
He thinks he's best at this and that  
The cocky little Berk is so smug  
Yet he's as clever as a mayonnaise rug

Oh Gary Fishface you great big steaming Berk  
How can you be such a flaming jerk?  
You come on to every girl you meet  
Even when you pass them on the street

His libido, it knows no bounds  
He's on girls like a sex Crazed hound  
If he doesn't stop it soon  
I'll hit him, with a massive spoon.

Kerry  
So I take it you don't like Gary much then.

Shiela  
Not one bit. He's a skanky lecherous young git who can't keep his wandering paws to himself.

Gary  
I am not! It's just a load of stupid rumours that they keep on repeating.

Kerry  
You think you're going to pass?

Gary  
Yeah. I ain't done nothin' innit?

KERRY  
I guess we'll find out the truth of it all in a minute. You're his missus Sandy, do you think he's going to pass? And what happens if he fails?

Sandy  
If he fails this, I’m going to kick him out, and what's worse, I’ll tell everyone his other guilty secret.

Kerry  
**Looks off stage**  
Let's have those all important lie detector results.  
**A flunky sidles onto the set and hands Kerry a card.**  
Right, what do we have here?  
**She looks at the card.**  
Well Well Well. This is a surprise.  
**The words “Utter lies” come up on the screen. The band start up.**  
You’re lying, not even trying  
Coming out with utter bilge  
She’s crying, you’re sighing  
As all you ever say is poisonous filth

We asked, if you  
Passionately Kissed another girl  
After the two, Of you  
started your romantic twirl

Next one, we questioned  
If you've chatted up another lady  
Turns out, you young lout  
You try it on with ladies daily

Lastly, you little nasty  
Ratbag sitting upon my stage  
We asked, if you've shagged  
Anyone since the time you were engaged

You know what  
He failed every one!

The band finish  
You know what we call it here? We call it a 'full house of failure': you lied on every single question.  
**She goes and leans toward Gary. He sinks into his chair in fear.**  
You’re a dirty little liar aren’t you Gary?

Gary  
No I isn’t. I never slept around. I only ever kissed Abby the once. 

Sandy  
Just the once?

Gary  
All right, twice. And I did feel her up a bit.

Kerry  
Are you telling us everything? Admit it Gary, there's more isn't there?

Gary  
Well...I did shag her once. Just a bit though. Her and Julie from down East street. And there was that time I snogged Sheila.  
**Sheila looks sheepish. Sandy looks very shocked.**  
Annnd I suppose I should mention the brief fling with Karen. And Liz.

Kerry  
You’re a complete tit Gary. Not as much as those girls though, and lets face it, you’re an ugly little git aintcha?

Sandy  
How in the name of Neptune's leggings do you shag someone a bit? Right Gary, I said that if you lied I’ll tell the world your other little guilty secret and I'm gonna stick to it, so here it is. Big Boy Gary, y'know, mr oh-so-macho lover-boy here is a serious big-time collector. Of My Little Horsie merchandise. 

Gary  
**Getting extremely nervous and defensive.**  
That's a bloody lie!

Sandy  
No it isn't. You've got an 800 piece collection of Horsie merchandise including the pink optical fiber transforming neon horse-box.

Kerry  
And here's a picture of your collection.  
**A picture of what looks like a basement filled with display racks containing plastic My Little Horsie merchandise. There are posters on the wall as well. Sitting in the corner is Gary looking proud.**

Gary  
**LEAPING TO HIS FEET AND GETTING VERY LOUD AND VOCAL. THE TIRADE IS MOSTLY AIMED AT KERRY.**  
Alright! I admit it! I collect My Little Horsie stuff. I, a grown man avidly and manically hoard overpriced plastic Chinese-made toys that are expressly designed to appeal to little girls and I love it. There! I admit it. Are you proud of what you've just done? Are you? Does it make you happy to rip my chest wide open, pull my heart out and put my soul on a glossy jewel-encrusted pedestal for the world to see? This was something I tried to keep to myself y'know. Something not to bother people with, but no! That just wasn't good enough for you was it? What do you want next? Blood? Would it cheer you to see me slice open a vein and cover this stage in copious quantities of red goo? Would it please you if I spilt my vital fluids all over this poxy studio? Because I tell you this for nothing sister, you can forget that one. I wouldn't do it for you, for that camp producer or even your witterer's god Oompah chuffing Windbag. **Turns to the audience** My name is Gary Fishface and I have the world's best collection of My Little Horsie stuff! If you can't deal with that then you just ain't worth my time.  
**With that he plonks himself onto his chair and starts to twitch In horror at what he'd just said.**

Kerry  
That's all very well Gary, but it still doesn't hide the fact that you've been getting all sexy with those girls does it? 

Gary  
Oh bugger. I hoped you would have forgotten about that.

Kerry  
Well we haven't.

Sandy  
You and me are finished Gary, finished. Its over and I'm moving to surbiton and becoming a respectable person with a respectable job.

Shiela  
You can't do that to me! Think of your roots, think of your parents, think of your grotty tracksuit and baseball caps! What am I going to if you become respectable? Who'm I gonna drink rubbish cider with now?

Sandy  
Well, you can either carry on by yourself, get some new skanky mates or join me and get yourself a life as well.

Shiela  
You mean I could become...boner fide? 

Gary  
And what about me? You can't kick me to the kerb just like that! Think about our marriage!

Sandy  
What, like you did every time you chased a bit of skirt? No Gary Fishface, no more: its over. In the next studio is Judge Blinder's Glitzy Divorce Court and we're going there right now. Sheila, I'll see you on the other side of the tracks.  
**She gets up, grabs Gary's arm and marches off.**

Kerry  
That's them dealt with I suppose. As for you Shiela, if you're going to Surbiton you should at least try to better yourself. I'm therefore inviting you on my new show 'Chavette to Human' and filming starts tomorrow. What do you say to that?

Shiela  
Well, if I'm going to the posh side of the river and live under the bright lights of Surbiton then I'll have to become, well, normal. Okay Kerry, I'm in.

Kerry  
Glad to hear it. In a moment when you leave the stage, one of my underpaid minions will get the paperwork done that lets us legally mess with your entire life. Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Shiela!  
**Shiela gets up and staggers off uncertainly. Kerry readdresses the camera.**  
Well, that's the end of chapter one, I’ll see you in chapter two where I’ll be talking to Mandy. See you soon.


	2. Part two: Calm the Family Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mandy and co take the stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mandy Ashtray - Aged 17ish, generally skanky appearance. Smokes god knows what and is a chav. Wearing a horrible pink grubby hoody.
> 
> Camilla Ashtray - Mandy’s mum. Always argues with everyone. Shouts a lot and has an alcohol problem. Also a chav.
> 
> Steve Ashtray - Mandy’s dad. Wants wife and daughter to calm down a bit. Not as chavvy as his family. But still a chav.
> 
> “Big” Spike Woodbine - Mandy’s boyfriend. Convinced he’s the big man in their town’s gangs, but is sadly deluded.

Kerry  
Welcome back! Our next over-written bit of fluff concerns the family of Mandy.

**Band starts the intro to Mandy the Chav**

She was known as Mandy The Chav  
By her mates from Victoria Park  
They all knew her from middle school  
Where she wasn’t the brightest of sparks

She missed out on her GCSEs  
and wants a kid with her boyfriend Big Spike  
She hangs out with quite a bad crowd  
With drugs and booze and the like

Oh Mandy what have you done  
How it’s come to this I cannot think  
Each night in town in your awful pink hoody  
And you think Diamond White is a drink

Her mates are the scum of the town  
They lurk on street corners and smoke  
Big Spike thinks he runs things now  
But he’s just a big berk in a coat.

They took a knackered old Astra  
And drove round the bypass one night  
And drove it up to Maiden castle  
And set the old thing alight

Oh Mandy what have you done  
How it’s come to this I cannot think  
Each night in town in your awful pink hoody  
And you think Diamond White is a drink

 **The band finish. Hopefully there’s applause.**  
Please welcome Steve to the show.  
**Steve Ashtray walks on and sits down.**  
Hello Steve, welcome to the Kerry Jyle show. So tell me please, whats the big fuss with your daughter?

Steve  
‘Allo Kerry. She’s been ‘angin’ around with a bad crowd innit? Takin’ heron, cocaine, guano, snack and god knows what else. They nick cars and set fire to ‘em, and sometimes they'll even go down the local shopping mall while wearing deliberately provocative paisley shirts and nick pennies from the fountain. She’s in with a bad crowd and I want my daughter back.

Kerry  
That's quite understandable. When did this slide into bad bahavior start?

Steve  
She's always been a bit of a Goth  
LIked to wear a bit of black  
Helped us buy stuff down the shops  
Cut us and her brother slack

When she was only fifteen  
This big lummox joined her school  
Before too long she was wearing jeans  
And thought Spike was purest cool.

She's gone downhill  
and hangs out with swill  
Who supply her with drugs,  
the skank dealing slugs  
We don't know who  
designed her tattoos  
But they make her look skanky  
and terribly manky

I would like my daughter back  
It's awful as you’ve seen  
She's on such an 'orrid track  
It's doing my head in

Kerry  
Well, that's quite a song and it explains quite a bit of this bit's plot and speaking of which, Mandy is on the Kerry Jyle show.

**Mandy slopes on in an unenthusiastic manner. She sort of grunts at the world in general and drops down in a seat.**

Steve  
What sort of entrance was that? See what I have to deal with?

Mandy  
**Very whiny** What's your problem dad? Why'd you drag me to this dump?

Kerry  
Don't you call this place a dump lady and I mean that in the loosest possible terms. This is my show and I'll thank you to be more civil.

Mandy  
Yeah, alright then.

Kerry  
Thank you. Now what's all this about you being all drug addicted and moody? Isn't it about time you grew up and started taking some responsibility for your life?

Mandy  
It's just drugs innit? Don't matter much do it? It's just a bit of wombat and armadillo now an' then innit? 

Kerry  
Just a bit?! Apparently you put away enough in a week to get all of Bridlington high for a year!

Mandy  
So? Whats yer problem? 

Steve  
What I want to know is how you pay for it?

Mandy  
Spike gets it for me!

Kerry  
Ah, we come to the infamous Spike. 

Mandy  
Theres nothing wrong with Spike!

Kerry  
From what I hear, there's a lot wrong with Spike. Of course, I've yet to meet him so I don't want to judge him yet. 

Steve  
I'll judge him for you then. That boy just ain't no good for my little girl. **Mandy cringes.**

Kerry  
No you won't. The best thing to do is get him on the stage. Come out here and join the fun please. Please welcome Spike to the show.

**Spike meanders on with his hands in his pockets and sits down. Nods aimiably at Kerry**

Spike  
Alright? 

Kerry  
Hello Spike. How lovely to meet you. What pray is your view of all this?

Spike  
Wellllll, its a bunch of stuff in it? They just don't like my style an that do they? They thinks I is a waster and a drug monkey, well I ain't no skank smoker and I ain't never done no weed. I took a bit of crystal moth once and that did me brain in like so I aint done none since. 

Steve  
And what about the horse tranquillisers then?

Spike  
I just sell them an that. I wouldn't take that junk if you paid me. Do you know what that shi...err, stuff does to your insides? 

Kerry  
I see. Does it pay well?

Spike  
Yeah, not bad.

Steve  
What about the stuff you get for Mandy?

Spike  
Yeah I get her some stuff, but only to stop her going to some street git who'd cut it with who knows what. To be honest I'd be happier if she wasn't taking it innit, as it seems to make her think she's talking to Napoleon or some other history bloke. 

Steve  
At least we agree about something then.

Kerry  
Congratulations! Now we're getting somewhere! Agreeing is the first stage lady and gentlemen. Now we have something to build on.

Mandy  
You're all talkin' as if I ain't 'ere! Talk to me an' not over me 'ead.

Steve  
Okay, so tell us about your drug habit then Mandy! What about the tons of skunk and armadillo and wombat you put away? Tell me it doesn't affect you, can you? 

Mandy  
What about it? I don't do much skunk, but there's nothing wrong with a bit of armadillo now and again is there?

Steve  
Yes there is! There's a huge problem as it makes you go all depressive and miserable and generally awful.

Mandy  
No dad, that's just me. That's how I am anyway. 

Steve  
So what in the name of Phillip Scofield's hair does armadillo do to you then?

Kerry  
According to this badly scrawled card, armadillo can cause visions of opera-singing electro-mechanical hummingbirds, it makes some people think that they're the Pope, and much worse than that it can make you break out in tattoos of Michael Stipe in his Shiny Happy People phase.

Steve  
So why do you do it Mandy? Why do you take something so ridiculous?

Mandy  
It ain't no problem is it? 'Sides,it doesn't affect me none do it?

Steve  
Then why have you been wearing long sleeves lately?

Mandy  
Style innit? Everybody's wearing long sleeves these days int they? Even that Bunty Fliphaven wears sleeves!

Kerry  
No they aren't. Short puffy sleeves are the current fashion, and Bunty Fliphaven's been wearing sleeveless shapeless Lycra lately. Show us your arms. 

Mandy  
No! I bloody refuse!

Spike  
**Sternly** Mandy, show 'em your arms.

**Mandy reluctantly raises a sleeve. Hidden underneath is a tattoo-like image of Noel Edmonds in a hideous shirt.**

Steve  
Mandy! What is that? 

Mandy  
**In tears** It's an effect of the armadillo innit?

Steve  
Why didn't you tell me?

Mandy  
I wanted to, but I didn't know how  
Its so hard to think straight  
I've been such a stupid cow  
I'm confused a bit of late

The armadillo has hold of me  
And buried deep into my life  
It's got control  
Makes me feel that old  
It's like an armoured knife

I wanna escape and get out now  
That stuff freaks me out  
In my head is a massive row  
Reality it makes me doubt

That armadillo has hold of me  
It really runs my life  
It controls my mind  
I can't unwind  
It's like a Crazy knife

Free me from its grasp  
Don't know if I can last  
It's controlling my world  
I'm scared of those hummingbirds

The armadillo has hold of me  
It's on top of my life  
It's in control  
Running my soul  
It's like an armoured knife

Stop this armadillo now

Steve  
So why do you do it Mandy? What possessed you to get into such a crazy fandago in the first place?

Mandy  
**Bursts in to tears again** I only take armadillo to hide from my real problem!

Kerry  
Ah-ha! Now we're getting somewhere. This is more like it. So Mandy, what is this problem you're trying to hide from? It's OK you know, telling us will help you and help us to help you help you get help.

Mandy  
**Struggling past the tears** Last year I were diagnosed with stage 12 Capsicum Barnett.

**Collective gasp from the audience. A light hubbub defends as people start muttering 'pepper shaped haircut' and similar things.**

Steve  
Mandy Ashtray, you never told me that!

Mandy  
I'm so sorry dad  
I didn't mean to be bad  
My hair is mad  
And it makes me sad

Armadillo helps me  
Hide away from the  
Pain that I see  
In the mirror shine-ee

It's my way to escape  
Armadillo helps stop the hate  
That I have for my hair  
It makes me despair

I dunno what to do  
I'm asking of you  
It's like donkey poo  
I think I look the fool

Kerry  
As you know, we have a generic specialist on the Kerry Jyle show, Dr Tawny Scops. Dr Tawny is an expert in many things: relationships, drugs, overacting, family disputes, health matters and where to get good weed. Please welcome Tawny to the show!

 **Tawny swans on with a superior air.**  
Tawny  
Hello Kerry.

Kerry  
So tell me, and please excuse me for sounding thick, but what exactly is this armadillo then?

Tawny  
Well, armadillo is a crystalline powder derived from the tropical daffodil Benny's Flute, which is found exclusively in the Seychelles, Bristol City Centre and Nova Scotia. Armadillo is a complex chemical compound found within the plant's stem and can be extracted from its sap. It affects the visual and auditory cortexes, the belief centres of the brain, the saggier bits of the nervous system, the skin and a couple of suburbs in Hull. As you said earlier, certain people will get visions of hummingbirds and ducks and it can make some people think that they're a major religious figure of some description. The Pope is a common one but not exclusive: a man in Australia was recorded as claiming he was the Gummi Dalai Lama and that he could perform beige miracles, while a woman in Barnsley was convinced she was St Peter and her garage door was the gate to heaven. Another common effect is tattoo like markings on the skin, such as images of Michael Stipe, coconut palms or Noel Edmonds. 

Kerry  
So what's the way to proceed?

Tawny  
Its tricky, but what we will do is go after the cause by treating the Capsicum Barnett with a massive can of hair spray, an australian hairdresser, a big stick and a warm and sticky lump of something horrible while simultaniously weening Mandy off the drugs using whatever faddish and idiotic method is currently in vogue. 

Kerry  
With Tawny's help we can get you back to whatever normal is, but you need to be open to it. You have to want to change, and that's not down to us: the effort put in has to be yours. So Mandy its up to you. Do you really want to kick this?

Mandy  
I do, but it's change and change is the one cheeseburger that I can't deal with. Innit?

Tawny  
But you have to Mandy. And with our help you can do it. Yes armadillo is an addictive little squeaky mammal but with determination, a spiky stick and a clear goal you can do it.

Steve  
Just think Mandy, if you can ditch the ridiculous hair condition and if you can lose that pesky armadillo that keeps following you around, then we can get back to something approaching normal. With Spike if it makes you happy.

Spike  
Yeah Mandy. We can all help you, it just needs you to make that first step doesn't it? Oh, sorry, slipped out of character there. Innit?

Tawny  
And you've already made the first steps by showing us the arms and admitting you have Capsicum Barnett. That's a great big step in the right direction.

Kerry  
Mandy, if you're willing to let us help then we can get you free of this whole shebang. All you have to do is allow Tawny to fiddle with your social and private life until you don't know which way is up. We'll film the whole thing of course for a highly edited documentary which will be aired at a random date on some hideous advert-stuffed backwater channel next year. What do you say Miss Ashtray? Are you able to take a chance on us?

Mandy  
Yeah, I suppose it's better to be nagged professionally than to be bothered by a bunch of very rank amateurs. You're on Kerry, you have a deal.

**Mandy and Kerry shake hands.**

Kerry  
Good luck. Right, you all go that way and we can bring on the next bunch.  
**Mandy and co mooch off, herded by security.**  
That's the end of part two, but don't go away as after the break we’re going to meet Mike. See you in five.


	3. Part three: DNA Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another set of dysfunctional weirdoes join Kerry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mike Pointless – Slightly tubby bloke in his mid 30s. Engaged to Bernice. They have a child together. He’s convinced it isn’t his.
> 
> Bernice Scatterbrain – Also slightly tubby and mid 30s. Affronted by Mike’s accusations to the point of violence.
> 
> Peter Mindless – Mikes mate and rumour spreader. Not helping the situation one bit.
> 
> Edinah Bucket - Bernice's mate in the audience. Convinced Mike and Peter are Scottish layabouts.

Kerry  
Welcome back to the Kerry Jyle show! Next on the show is Mike. Mike is engaged to Bernice and together they have 1 year old Corden.  
**A picture of a squirrel monkey comes on the screen.**  
Mike’s been hearing rumours about his fiancée for a little while now and wants to know if the baby is  
his. Please welcome Mike to the show ladies and gentlemen.  
**A smirking Mike strides on confidently from the right and plops down in a chair.**  
What’s the story mike?

Mike  
**Mike grins like an idiot and launches into his song.**

Well, Kerry, You know how it goes  
People Say all sorts on your show  
This time there ain’t no change

It seems the word on the street  
My girl she isn’t so sweet  
She’s been messin’ around so they say

I don’t know what to think  
The rumours have poisoned my mind  
I almost turned to drink  
Now the truth is what I must find

My mate pete, He says that he  
Has seen her out on the street  
He says she’s been foolin' around

Pete has seen so he says  
Bernice snogging a bloke called Les  
And a guy who thinks he's Elvis in our town

My brain's all at sea  
What has she done to me?  
If you can help us now  
Then we can sort out lives  
Properly out!

Kerry  
Very musical. You've asked for DNA test because of the element of doubt that your so-called mate Pete has planted. This means a lot to you doesn't it?

Mike  
Very much so Kerrifer.

Kerry  
In fact its true to say that this is a make-or-break day for you: If Corden is yours, all is fine but if it turns out you're not the father then, what, your going to leave the country?

Mike  
Proudly If I ain't the dad then I'm going to go and join a monastery in Florida.

Kerry  
An odd choice if you don't mind me saying.

Mike  
At least I won't have to be cold in my monks outfit.

Kerry  
Fair enough: a good point almost well made. Right, let's drag this out a bit more and bring out your other half. Bernice is on the Kerry Jyle show.  
**Bernice minces on whilst glowering at Mike very sternly. She sits down and smiles sweetly at Kerry.**  
Tell me Bernice, what's your side to this?

Bernice  
Well, Pete's convinced you that I'm a slut.  
And I'm trying to say I'm anything but  
Pete keeps spreading his silly tales  
Amongst the gossip mongers in old Wales

Mike can't help believing stupid Pete  
His falsie rumours are really haunting me  
People are talking all over town  
The shame of it is dragging me down

I don't know what to think  
These rumours really stink  
I wanna pour them down the sink  
The're gonna send me to the brink

This whole silly mess drives me mad  
It's much more than a pointless fad  
Please don't listen you your daft mate  
He’s run from the truth and escaped

Kerry  
Well, this is quite the mess isn't it?

Bernice  
You’re right. It's properly gone beyond out of hand.

**From the front row of the audience, Edinah pipes up.**

Edinah  
Yeah, well, Pete couldn't find his own arse even if he had GPS and a tour guide.

Kerry  
**Walking over to Edinah**  
And what connection do you have to this appalling story?

Edinah  
I've known Mike and Bernice for over 10 years and Pete for much, much longer. 

Kerry  
So we can consider you to be a well informed outside observer then. 

Edinah  
I suppose you can.

Kerry  
So what are these two like normally then?

Edinah  
Bernie and Mike they is fools  
Blowing cold and hot  
Mikes mind is changed by a tool  
A demented little clot

Bernice takes this stupid trash  
Every couple of weeks  
Cos Pete has heard a something rash  
From some bar-fly freak

It's driving me to drink  
Putting up with this stink  
It's sending me round the bend  
Disharmony between my friends

I want this pointless crap to stop  
It's doing my brain in  
We have to end the horrid rot  
Or none of us will win

Kerry  
Well, we can find out if Pete knows anything right now. Peter's on the Kerry Jyle Show.  
**Pete casually ambles on from the left and flops into a seat.**  
Hello Pete, welcome to the show. Whats all this about you and some rumours?

Pete  
Wellllll its a bunch of stuff that I hear down the Royal Birch innit? Pub gossip is the official way like. It's proper innit?

Kerry  
Not here it isn't. This is a court of law young man.

Pete  
No it's not. It's a TV argument show, and you’re as much of a judge as my arse is.

Kerry  
Look Pete, we can sit here slinging mud and arguing over who's judge of who all day long, but right now it's the rumour mill that you're plugged into that concerns me. What is it that you've heard about these two?

Pete  
I'd tell you if you'd let me get a word out.

Kerry  
I'm not sure I want to know now. 

Pete  
I'm sure you do.

Kerry  
Oh all right, give us the goss Petey!

Pete  
Right! Here we go.  
I'm pretty sure that around the time Corden was conceived,  
Bernice was seeing this bloke  
He was called Big Knees Bob would you honestly believe  
Mike and Bernie looked up in smoke

To be fair, she only did it cos Mike kept calling her mum  
an awful flamingo necked harpy.  
The whole thing seemed in retrospect completely utterly dumb  
And it was making me snarky

When Bob got cold feet and emigrated to exotic Chelmsford,  
He felt he could do what he liked  
she started getting cosy with Half-Arsed Andrew Fatsod  
and he's a skanky little bucket of tripe.

Kerry  
Well we can listen to dodgy stories all week long or we could maybe make some actual progress. Let's get an actual answer here shall we?

**The put-upon flunky hands Kerry a grotty bit of card.**

Kerry  
Well I have those all important DNA test results right here. Mike, you **dramatic pause** are not the child's father.

**Mike looks shocked for a moment then stands up and storms off into the audience.**

Edinah  
Yeah, run away Mike, same as always, you massive bag of penguin wee!

Kerry  
I don't know why I bother having a stage sometimes, I really don't. C'mon Bernie. You too Edinah.  
**The girls chase after Mike while Pete sits there looking flummoxed.**

Kerry  
Michael, will you stop that running lark? I didn't sign up to this show for the excercise. There's more to be read out here Mike. According to this card, Pete is actually Corden’s biological father.

**Mike stares at Pete, and looks like he's going to go and commit violence.**

Mike  
I'm gonna kill you Pete!

**Kerry moves in front of him and holds an upright hand out.**

Kerry  
Hang on Mr stable. I've been doing this show for a few years, and sometimes you can see little signs that are so small they’re in twenty foot high neon letters. How long have you and Edinah been seeing each other?

**Mike stops in his tracks. This has completely wrong-footed him.**

Mike  
What? When? We haven't been seeing each other! Grins nervously Where’d you get an idea like that?

Kerry  
I got it from the fact that it's blindingly obvious, that's where. Come on then, how long?

Mike  
**Drops his head in shame**  
About a year.

Bernice  
Michael Pointless, how could you?

Kerry  
Well wave your hands in the air like you're not really bothered! This is a turn up for the books isn't it? What on Io are you all getting riled up for? The answer to this is simple isn't it? Mike and Bernice, you really don't belong together, so I suggest you split up. I propose that you Mike officially pair up with Edinah, and seeing as Pete is Corden’s daddy, he and Bernice join up.

Bernice  
Why didn't we think of that ages ago? It sorts everything out doesn't it?

Pete  
It's cause we’re eejits innit?

Mike  
Eddie, what about it? How about we make it proper?

Edinah  
You’re on. This seems much more sensible.

Kerry  
You’re welcome. Are we all happier now?

**There is general agreeing and nodding from the guests.**

Kerry  
Well seeing as we're a bit more sorted out, let's bring little Corden on.

**Corden is brought out by Tawny, and it turns out hes an Avenue Q style puppet. Many 'awws' from the audience hopefully.**

Kerry  
And so we are done  
We have had some fun  
These guys are pretty sorted  
The Bad set-up’s aborted  
They’re all nice and happy  
Even Corden's nappy

Where to go from here  
It is pretty clear  
Mike can go with Eddie  
Pete and Bernie have baby  
Will any of it last  
The possibilities are vast

The end of this is near  
They're happy so we hear  
They can now go home  
And not on their own  
And we can now relax  
Cause our patience they have taxed

Mike and company, take little Corden and sort your insane, unco-ordinated lives out.  
**Bernice, taking Corden from Tawny, goes off with Pete, Mike with Edinah. Everybody is happy.**  
Well folks, that's all from the Kerry Jyle show this week. Take care of yourselves and especially to the one or two people who have read this gibberish. Poodle tip!


End file.
